The Note: Faithless love.

Faithless love...

Hidden in the deepest recess of my person is a dread that when I die I will be afraid. I will shrink and conflict and wrestle in agony_I think not and yet who will know, not me until I get there. Dying is a filthy word although I am possessed with it. The processes, the want of ritual, the concern and horror and the scary potential of maybe fighting it in an ungraceful way, I know we will never know till it`s time.

I heard about a new girl who died last week in a car accident she left a company at 4:00 am was on the call with her mother and moments later hit a tree and was (hopefully) dead instantly. Jammed underneath her dash board the car wedged into a tree. Crazy how quick it can happen. Reading online about a father who blogged online about her spirit as a mother. She whose son just died of an overdose who now is experiencing all that we do know when our children die as easily as the burden of guilt and ire from her online community and the screw and living as well, a giganticbunch of feelings, deep, scary big stuff. We all do the better we can. It`s not possible to think what these parents or any parents the man over go through when their children predecease them. Recently I found myself having lunch with a protagonist who is in pain around a failed (his words) relationship, which I remember was rather successful and vibrant and may have run its course.Funny how that can and does happen we hardly are finished. Anyway I felt something near him and I divided it and it resonates for me as well. We lose faith we leave that we possess short to do with what is and that the sole thing we can see is our reaction to life. That is all yet we see we are subject of controlling life but it`s not true. If it were true our babies would not die before us. So if God is omnipotent, omniscient, supreme and loving then it`s a right thing we are carried (if we let it) and that it`s perfection. Tough when you are burying your child, I cannot think and I pray never to get to accept that experience although my son is fragile (two ventricular peritoneal shunts) I could get the call. Nonetheless and in spite of all of that we yet hold to give faith if we need to feature a spirit that is affectionate and effortless, and yet it`s a tall order especially when we are wealthy, intelligent and used to getting our way. I am certain life is well and we are blest and that everything is perfect. I am sure I leave this and I look ahead to the daily , moment by moment rediscovery that we are safety in the big and little existential way only don`t separate me this when I am writhing in agony. You might get hurt.