It was very tough for me to resolve and act on joining any character of suport group. Groups and direction are genuinely not my thing. But I want someone, anyone that I can speak to, someone to tell me I'm not disturbed or imagining things. Someone to assure me that the problems in my spirit are not ALL my fault.
While I won't charge anything on my childhood, I will share a pair of things about my younger life that likely had an impression on who I am today.
My mother worked and my mother stayed home. I get a brother 7 years old than me and a sister 7 years younger than me. Around the age of 12 or so my mom tried to kill herself by slitting her wrists. I was walking home from school one day and my neighbor stopped me in the front yard and told me that mom was in the infirmary for slitting her wrists, mental hospital. I remember walking up to the theater and the neighbor but not much detail after that on that day. My mom was out for almost a month or so during which time I became the female adult of the house taking care of pretty much everything. I say that was the day I grew up.
While my childhood memories are spotty I think a sentence when my big brother sat me on the return and told me that our parents were passing to get a divorce (they never did and are still together decades later), I think my parents getting all into counseling and making me go but I never talked to the counselors so they said they couldn't help me, I think one time my parents decided to make a family circle where they all sat around me and discussed all of my faults and problems (that went over well!). Overall I don't think much about my childhood but it was not physically abusive or terribly bad.
I sort of might remember cutting myself once or twice when I was new but nothing major (now it is Much worse). I did good in schooling and had some friends.
I was married at 19, no I wasn't pregnant, and am still married to the same guy now 13 days later. I get a step son 14, a son 9, and a daughter 5. I am a successfull RN and am really good at my job. I actually choose to be at play than to be at home most of the time.
A few days ago I started to cut myself. Not very often, but often enough. My husband and I had some tough times and I met a guy at work (before I was an RN) and we started to talk. We NEVER slept together or even kissed but we talked a lot and I knew he liked me. I kept it a mystery from my husband. I didn't find that I could speak to my husband and here was this nice guy that was really concerned in me for me. During this same time, I believe I was about 22 years old or so, I too began to smoke cigarettes without telling my husband. I knew he would disapprove so I hid it very well. Needless to say one day he ground out near the guy because he checked my cell phone card and so the smoke came out too. He was furious, rightfully so. But later that he began really hurting me. Not physically, but he would say things to hold me look bad about myself at every opportunity he got, even in frount of our friends. It was very noticable. I felt like I walked on eggshells all the meter and I was never able to maintain myself in arguments. I started cutting to self soothe. Something about seeing the line just calms me down right away. It slows my head and I am able to only concentrate on the blood.
Many days have now past and while things are not at the same horrific level that they were at first, I am beginning to see that I am still being emotionally abused. After all of these years, it is difficult to see because I truly think that I deserve many of the things he says. I find that I deliver to determine what I say and do. I would never even dreaming of departure to a film with a friend without him, it's unofficially not allowed. I make a pair of friends at work but no one that I would ever observe anything private to. My husband is very personable, one of those people that everyone loves. No one would always think that he is emotionally abusive towards me. He goes out with his friends at least once a week to bars or dance clubs and comes home at 2 or 4 in the morning. There is no way I would be allowed to do that! I was 2 minutes later to see him for lunch now and he called me to see why and was irritable about it.
I drink. A lot. I sometimes get pain pills and frequently take xanax when I live he will be home particularly if I call an argument. He frequently gets wild with me because I drink. He tells me that he doesn't wish to ask me places with him because I embarrass him. The early night we had plans to go out with a couple, his friends, and I made a notice that he apparently did not like so he off the plans saying that he knew how the dark would go out and didn't wish to cope with me in public. He often threatens to cancel plans for us, even if it something like going to luncheon with the kids as a family, at the final minute because he becomes angry with me. This is my punishment. Knowing that the kids leave be dissapointed or that I will not be allowed to go out because I get broken him. He makes me question my own storage of events and is very intimidating when we argue. The early day he told me that in some gruesome way I must like being put in my site because I always start fights then support them going until he puts me in my position so all is smooth again until the following sentence I get something.
I take antidepressants but he simply makes me look bad about it. Asking if I have taken my pill when I look to be in a bad humour or expression that perhaps he should get around so that he can not care about anything like me. He makes comments about how I don't do anything for the kids, how I would be lost without him, how unmotherly I am. If I deny him sex it becomes an argument so often I only do it to avert the argument.
I really got drunk at dinner once and told him that I cut myself. Now he simply makes snide comments about that too, like if I accidentally cut myself shaving he will say "I bet you liked it".
OK. ENough for now. I am shaking and can't do this anymore today. Thanks for "listening".
f&f
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